Communicating with boys in a manner designed for the male brain


I worked with a family of a very active 8yo with ADHD. Whenever this boy would do something impulsively, say mean things, etc.. the parents would make him sit down and discuss the issue at length. This approach often set him off more. It was too much talk, too much rehashing events, too much processing feelings.

Because boys brains are wired differently than girls, they don’t use language as much. Boys don’t need to express feelings through articulating “feeling words”. Often, boys need 12-24 before they can process something in the past. Boys can’t process and articulate feelings on demand like girls do.

Here’s what is more effective:

-Change your expectations. Admitting wrongdoing, expressing empathy, labeling feelings are not necessary for him to understand the “bigger picture”.. This is a female-brain based approach that doesn’t work for boys.

-Go for a walk with your son or do something active in order to have a conversation. Instead of talking about feelings ask “what do you think about what happened yesterday?”

-Help him understand others’ thoughts/feelings based on his words/behavior. Don’t harp on this, just explain that his words/behavior has an effect on others and how others treat him based on how they feel about his words/behaviors.

Lets talk about how we can help you communicate more effectively with your son:

Is your son allowed to stay in his comfort zone or are you helping him to grow?


I was really inspired when I saw this guy because he came out of his comfort zone to go surfing at 7:30 AM when the temperature was 29.
Frequently, I see parents who don’t push their kids out of their comfort zone. NO ONE grows from staying comfortable, particularly kids with challenges such as ADHD, anxiety, etc. It is essential that they are pushed out of their comfort zone so they can develop independence, build resiliency and social competency.
Despite the fact that they know it’s essential, many parents avoid pushing their kids out of their comfort zone. Why?
“I don’t have the energy to argue with him, it’s just easier if I do it”.
“He gets too nervous and doesn’t know what to say.”
“I’ve asked him a million times, he doesn’t do it”.
(Unspoken) “Because I need to feel needed as his Mom.”
The longer you allow your son to stay in his comfort zone, the longer it will take for him to develop social competency, resiliency and age-expected independence.
Your complacency in helping him to stay comfortable may be hindering his ability to reach his full potential.
You know your son’s potential, help him reach it. The arguing, complaining, etc. is just “noise”. One day, sooner than later he’ll be grateful that you pushed him out of his comfort zones.
Let’s talk about how we can help your son reach his full potential.